I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
