I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
