im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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