Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
