My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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