the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
