Will you blow on my dice?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
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