Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
