sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
‪I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse. ‬
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
