Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
