either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
