Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
