I'm pants shitting drunk right now
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
