I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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