the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
