did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
