A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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