Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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