I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
