tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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