Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I want to make a zoo with you.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize