If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
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