I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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