so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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