What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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