Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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