The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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