i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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