dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize