The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
