i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
