things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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