I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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