Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
