Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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