i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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