i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
