I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
