When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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