I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
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