I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I can't trust your balls anymore.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize