I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
