I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
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