My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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