ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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