the condom got lost in my hair
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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