plz talk dirty to me
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
