And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
