Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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