So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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