____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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