well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
