My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
