Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
